Last night the NBA crowned a champion. His name? The Dixonator. The Celtics aren't the only ones bringing home a title.
If you take a look at my playoff preview, you will notice that I, the Great Dixonator, predicted every single series correctly before the playoffs even started. I shall now take a moment to celebrate.
I am the champion, my friends! And I'll keep on fightin til the end! I am the champion, I am the champion! No time for losers, cause I am the champion... Of the world!
I'd like to thank all the little people... and the fat people, who read this blog, and I'd like to apologize for the long delay between posts. I've been quite distracted by the amazing drama of the NBA Playoffs. I'd like to thank my dad, who competed against me, for putting together a laughable playoff bracket. I'd like to thank Sam Lauffenburger and Josiah Johns for being consistent readers of the blog and strong supporters of my work as a prognosticator. I feel like my career has finally been validated. I've won a championship and put together a perfect playoff run. 15-0. Not one series predicted incorrectly. I hope to be remembered in history like the great 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only NFL team to win every game it played. This perfect prediction makes me a lock for the hall of fame. I've asked David Stern to put my shrine between MJ and Bill Russell. He hasn't called me back.
Now the focus shifts from the playoffs to fantasy football, the NBA Draft, and the ESPY Awards! That's right, we don't care about baseball here. You will never see mention of it again in this blog.
A few weeks ago, James Dolan, the owner of the unimaginably terrible New York Knickerbockers, finally relieved Isiah Thomas of his duties as general manager of the team and hired Donnie Walsh, the former Pacers GM, to replace him. However, Isiah still remained the coach until Walsh “fired” him last week. Why the quotes around the word fired? Because Isiah will lose his coaching position but will still remain with the Knicks in an unnamed role. Are you serious, Dolan? You really want to keep this guy around? Let’s recap his career with the Knicks.
Before he joined the Knicks, he served as the commissioner of the Canadian Basketball Association and sent it into bankruptcy. Maybe you should have looked into that before you hired him, Dolan.
James Dolan signed Isiah to be the Knicks’ GM on December 22, 2003. That was the height of Isiah’s career with New York.
It was all down hill from there.
(Isiah's face shows why he is the worst GM ever)
When Isiah was signed, the Knicks were four games out of first place in the Atlantic division. Midway through the season, he fired coach Don Chaney and hired Lenny Wilkens, the winningest coach in NBA history. At the end of the season, they fell to eight games out, finished 39-43, and were swept by the Nets in the first round of the playoffs.
During the 2004-2005 season, Lenny Wilkens retired (can you blame him?) and Herb Williams took over as coach. The Knicks finished 33-49 and missed the playoffs.
This just wasn’t good enough for Isiah, so he hired Larry Brown to coach the team. Larry led the team to the franchise’s worst record ever at an abysmal 23-59. (Hey, Dolan, at this point don’t you have to be thinking that it might not be the coaches’ fault? Maybe the GM just stinks at bringing in quality players.)
So, after two of the greatest coaches of all time failed to bring the Knicks into the playoffs, Isiah was left with no choice but to coach the team himself. In 2006-2007, the Knicks finished 33-49 with Isiah on the bench. Not much of an improvement. On December 6, 2006, Thomas allegedly told his players to foul hard which led to a brawl with the Denver Nuggets. Not the smartest coaching move.
In October of 2007, before the beginning of the new season, Isiah was fined $11.6 million in a sexual harassment case for unwanted advances on Knicks employee Nuca Brown Sanders. That’s not exactly the image of their coach the Knicks were looking for. The season was even worse. The Knicks once again finished 23-59, tying their record mark set two years back.
The Knicks finished 141-241 during Isiah’s five years as GM, the third 3rd worst record in the league over that time span. They went through five coaches including Isiah, who led the team to a 56-108 record during his two years as coach.
Well at least the Knicks can rebuild now that Isiah is no longer making the decisions, right? Wrong. Isiah gave huge contracts to selfish players with questionable heart, character, and skill like Stephon Marbury, Steve Francis, Zach Randolph, Jared Jeffries, Jamal Crawford, Eddie Curry, and countless others. The team turned into a bunch of selfish guys trying to get their shots and their minutes without worrying about winning games. You can see why the team has been so bad.
But anyway, all this spending on bad players gave the Knicks the highest payroll in the league by far, for one of the worst records. Now that’s what I call a bad GM. (You’re supposed to try to get the most talent out of payroll, Isiah, not the other way around.) The Knicks are committed to $177.5 million in salaries over the next three years, so they have no way of getting under the salary cap and signing good young players (the definition of rebuilding).
This definitely makes Isiah Thomas the worst GM of all time by a long shot. And James Dolan is keeping him with the team in an unnamed role?! Isiah makes a whopping $18 million a year to sit around and do nothing? This makes absolutely no sense. Dolan should not want this man anywhere near his team after all that he’s done to it over the past five years.
This leaves only 2 possible explanations:
Either James Dolan is the biggest idiot in the history of mankind,
OR
He’s gay for Isiah Thomas.
(Could you see Isiah and Jimmy Dolan (the white guy) together?)
I believe the latter. I mean, how could someone be so stupid to keep the guy around for five years in the first place and then keep paying him to be on the staff in an unnamed role?
No, James Dolan has to be gay. There’s no other logical explanation. He just keeps Isiah around the office for company and entertainment. He must have been really disappointed when Isiah tried to cheat on him with Nuca Brown Sanders in that sexual harassment fiasco, especially after all Dolan has done for him by paying him $18 million a year to be the worst GM ever.
(Isiah caught cheating again)
Mr. Dolan, if you happen to read this article, please post a comment below defending your heterosexuality or announcing your homosexuality to the world. Or you could send an email to renegadedufunk@gmail.com if you wish to contact SB privately.
It’s a surprise Friday edition of Dixonator the Prognosticator. Why, you ask? It’s that special time of year again. Time for the NBA Playoffs! I’m so excited that I’ve written a song (compare to this Christmas carol).
It’s the most wonderful time of the year Because now it’s the playoffs And I will take days off To watch and to cheer It’s the most wonderful time of the year
It’s the hap – happiest season to ball Because teams will be needing A good playoff seeding For a chance to win it all It’s the hap – happiest season to ball
The playoffs are indeed one of the most exciting events of the calendar year, and I have spent hours upon hours researching the stats of each playoff team. Now I will break them down for you and tell you who will win each and every series until a champion is crowned.
Eastern Conference
First round
#1 Boston (66-16) vs. #8 Atlanta (37-45) Do I really have to explain this one? Boston in 4.
#4 Cleveland (45-37) vs. #5 Washington (43-39) This will be an intriguing series. The Wizards finally have Gilbert Arenas back, but he’s only played in 5 games since coming off knee surgery and has averaged only 21.6 minutes/game. Washington’s chemistry will be slightly off due to him coming back so close to playoff time. Cleveland hasn’t played great since their 3-team, 11-player megatrade in February. However, Lebron wants nothing more than to win in the playoffs and will be on top of his game for this tough opening round matchup. The Wizards won’t have a prayer of stopping him. Cavs in 6.
(Lebron takes flight)
#3 Orlando (52-30) vs. #6 Toronto (41-41) The bottom line here is that Toronto is not a good team. They have Chris Bosh, whose numbers are down this year, and a bunch of foreigners who just aren’t very good. Dwight Howard and Hedo Turkoglu have played exceptionally well for the Magic this year and will lead them to a relatively easy victory. However, Orlando is very young and inexperienced, so they will drop 2 games. Magic in 6.
(Dwight Howard owning Elton Brand)
#2 Detroit (59-23) vs. #7 Philadelphia (40-42) Philly is not good. They have a losing record and a bunch of inexperienced young guys. Detroit won a title in 2004 and has consistently put together deep playoff runs since then. Pistons in 4.
Second Round
#1 Boston (66-16) vs. #4 Cleveland (45-37) Cleveland is 27-14 at home and 18-23 on the road. It’s hard to beat the team with the best record in the league in a seven game series with that kind of crappy road record. Lebron will manage to steal 2 games from the Celts, but that’s it. Celtics in 6.
(Paul Pierce and KG)
#2 Detroit (59-23) vs. #3 Orlando (52-30) Detroit has tons of playoff experience, and Orlando hasn’t won a single series in forever. Plus, Detroit’s just flat out better than Orlando. Hmm… Pistons in 5.
(Cartoon Sheed)
Eastern Conference Finals
#1 Boston (66-16) vs. #2 Detroit (59-23) It’s a matchup of the 2 best defensive teams in basketball, each giving up only 90 points a game. Detroit lost in the Eastern Finals the last 2 years and seemed to play without a strong desire to win. Boston has 3 all-stars (KG, Pierce, and Allen) who have never won a title and would sell their souls for that Larry O’Brien trophy. Edge goes to the team that wants it more. Celtics in 6.
Western Conference
First round
#1 Los Angeles Lakers (57-25) vs. # 8 Denver (50-32) The Lakers have been on fire since Memphis somehow agreed to give them Pau Gasol and a second round pick for a bag of turd (Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton, Aaron McKie (retired), Pau’s younger brother Marc (not good enough to make the Grizzlies roster), and first round picks in 2008 and 2010). How bad do you have to be to not make the Grizzlies roster? Anyway, the Lakers are 27-9 since accomplishing this thievery. Denver is 17-24 on the road and gives up 107 points a game, second worst in the NBA. Lakers in 5.
(This is the actual bag of turd traded for Pau Gasol)
#4 Utah (54-28) vs. #5 Houston (55-27) Because of the ridiculous way the NBA seeds playoff teams, Utah is guaranteed a top 4 seed because it won its division, but Houston gets homecourt because it has the better record. I know, it makes no sense. Houston’s starting point guard Rafer Alston (or Skip to My Lou as his streetballin’ buddies call him) will reportedly miss at least the first 2 games of this series due to a strained hamstring. Utah has the best home record in the NBA, losing only 4 times in Salt Lake City all season. However, like Denver, they are 17-24 on the road. Utah will be able to steal one of the first 2 games in Houston while Alston is out and will then win its 3 home games. Jazz in 6.
#3 San Antonio (56-26) vs. #6 Phoenix (55-27) This has the potential to be one of the greatest first round series of all time. The Spurs and Suns have had a fierce rivalry over the past few years, culminating in last year’s playoffs when Robert Horry body checked Steve Nash into the scorer’s table, breaking his nose. Immediately, Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw left the Suns’ bench to defend their point guard, and immediately, both were suspended for game 5 of the series. The Spurs went on to win the series and the title, but Suns fans feel that the series would have ended differently if David Stern had not unfairly suspended their players. The Spurs have been playing pretty poorly lately, but Manu Ginobili was in a shooting slump for a while and then was out with a strained groin for three games. He returned in the final game of the season and shot 4-4 from the field in 19 minutes. In the regular season, Greg Popovich played Parker, Duncan, and Ginobili limited minutes to keep them fresh for the playoffs. Now they will be playing more, and the Spurs will be playing better because of it. The Spurs have always been a bad matchup for the Suns, who have gotten considerably worse since the Shaq trade. They were 34-14 before Shaq and owned the 1st seed in the West. Since then, they are 21-13 and have dropped all the way to the 6th seed. This is a classic matchup of a great offense vs. a great defense, and in the end the defense will prevail. Spurs in 6.
(Robert Horry body checks Steve Nash and breaks his nose)
#2 New Orleans (56-26) vs. #7 Dallas (51-31) This series will be extremely competitive for a 2/7 matchup. The Mavs are more talented than the Hornets, but New Orleans has the rightful MVP and plays better as a team. Chris Paul is quick as lightning, and the Mavs have no one who can guard him. Jason Kidd has lost too much lateral quickness in his old age to keep up with Paul, and Jason Terry just stinks at defense. The Mavs are great at home with a 34-7 record, but, like Denver and Utah, are a mere 17-24 on the road. Dallas’ inconsistent play could be an issue for them against the consistent Hornets. Hornets in 7.
(He's good)
Second Round
#1 Los Angeles Lakers (57-25) vs. #4 Utah (54-28) The Lakers are 2-0 against the Jazz since the Gasol trade, and the Jazz just suck on the road. Lakers in 5.
#2 New Orleans (56-26) vs. #3 San Antonio (56-26) It’s the battle of the 56-26’s. Something’s gotta give. Unlike Jason Kidd, Tony Parker is quick enough to stay with Chris Paul, although he’s not a great defender. The Spurs have won 4 rings in 9 years, and the Hornets have never come close to sniffing a title. They are young and inexperienced in the playoffs and will find it difficult to defeat the defending champs. Spurs in 6.
Western Conference Finals
#1 Los Angeles Lakers (57-25) vs. #3 San Antonio (56-26) This will be a close series, but in the end the Lakers will prevail. By this point in the season, older players start to wear down. The Spurs are the oldest team in the NBA, and you have to wonder if that will be to their disadvantage this far into the year after already playing 2 tough series. The Lakers are a slightly better team and have been on a tear of late. Lakers in 7.
(Kobe dunks on Timmy)
NBA Finals
#1 Boston (66-16) vs. #1 Los Angeles Lakers (57-25) We’re taking a trip back to the magical decade of the 1980’s! – when hair was big, and the Finals consistently featured heated battles between the Lakers and Celtics. Only this time instead of Magic and Kareem vs. Larry Legend and Kevin McHale, it’s Kobe and Gasol vs. KG, Pierce, and Allen. Boston and LA played twice this year, and the Celtics won both times. However, both these games were before the Gasol trade, so they can’t really be factored into this discussion. Boston is 25-5 against the West. That is an astounding 83%, the best by far in the NBA. On March 17-20, the Celtics swept what is known as the Texas Triangle: at San Antonio, at Houston, and at Dallas. Astounding. When they beat Houston, they were on the second night of a back-to-back, and the Rockets were on a 22 game winning streak. Boston won by 20. Do you need any more evidence? The Lakers are good, but that good? I don’t think so. Celtics in 7.
(Larry O'Brien Trophy)
So, there you have it. The longest post in the young history of this blog has finally reached its conclusion. I’m tired.
Post your agreements, objections, and incoherent ramblings below or send an email to renegadedufunk@gmail.com
When someone asks me what I was just talking about, and I don't feel like expounding upon the subject matter, I tell them to "not worry about it." And what really pisses me off is when people get angry that I will not tell them. People these days seem unable to mind their own business; they want to know every little detail about everything (even if completely trivial). Frankly, it makes me angry when I am made out to be the bad guy just because someone can not seem to mind there own bollocks.
This whole concept got me to thinking: what does this mean for us humans and how does this define our character? And why should we stop pestering people for trivial information?
Well first of all, the fact that we have to know everything all of the time defines us as a society that takes information for granted by trading it and inquiring it like a commodity: selfishly whining like a little child and throwing a temper tantrum every time we don't get what we desire. People need to grow up a little bit and realize that sometimes it is for the better that we do not get everything we want. It is sad that our generation must not only act selfishly upon physical wants such as technology, fashion, food, media, etc., but now we do not even treat information, and intellect, with the respect and restraint it deserves. You do not need and you will never get everything you want, so don't smear your diaper next time you don't receive when you ask. Let sleeping dogs lie.
Here is why you should not worry about what you do not know so much:
It causes stress and wastes time. Let's say that you can't figure out what your friend talked of the other day and you spend a good half a day trying to uncover the conversation. You just wasted valuable time you could have been learning legitimate and quality information (i.e. reading a book).
The world does not revolve around you. Just because I say something and don't want to tell you does not automatically make the subject matter about it. Stop being egocentric and realize that sometimes I just do not feel like repeating what I just said. It's just not worth the effort sometimes.
If the subject matter does involve you, realize that I know it is for your betterment that I do not tell you what I just said. Your selfishness will usually get you into a worse situation than you were in beforehand. So weigh the cost before you get too inquisitive next time.
A nosy person annoys people (or at least me) to no end. You want to keep good relationships with friends, don't get overly nosy. It just makes people like you less because you won't leave them alone.
Oh and on a side note what you know can sometimes incriminate you. This is called the "now that we told you you are one of us and can't squeal or we will hurt you" concept. Everyone has experienced this to some extent.
So please next time I tell you to not worry your britches stop yourself before you burst out in anger and consider the fact that it pisses people off when people get too nosy, and sometimes it is for your benefit to shut up.
Oh and by the way I am aware that this rant does not apply to scholarly pursuits. Those are fine.
Send idiotic tangents to Danny O'Neal at renegadedufunk@gmail.com
In my recent MVP and LVP article, I said that Chris Paul deserves the MVP award. I stand by this. I think he’s a great player. However, I forgot to mention that despite this, I have no respect for him whatsoever. Why, you ask? Watch this video.
For those of you who might be thinking something like, “But that was just one incident, and he was fighting for the ball. Give him a break.” Watch this video. That was completely uncalled for. Poor Julius Hodge was just playing good old fashioned post defense, and Chris Paul couldn’t handle it, so he punched him where the sun don’t shine. That’s an almost unforgivable sin. You just don’t do that if you’re even 1% of a real man. You gotta respect the almighty man law and leave other dudes’ balls alone. Chris Paul has developed a habit of cheap-shotting guys like this and therefore, has lost all the respect of SB.
Now, we will seamlessly transition into a completely different topic. The Masters. Please read this short article, and read it well.
Are you kidding me?! Clampett called Liang a “Chinaman” and got kicked off the Masters broadcast?! All he did was utter a completely true statement! How can anyone see that as a racial slur? Wen-Chong Liang is both Chinese and a man, making him a Chinaman. The term has been around forever. What’s so wrong with it? I can’t even believe this. CBS refused to allow Clampett to broadcast the final 2 rounds of the Masters just because he talked about a player’s ethnicity! Numerous times throughout the week, Jim Nantz mentioned that Trevor Immelman was from South Africa. OH NO!! That’s so extremely offensive!! Hundreds of broadcasters over the past 26 years of Vijay Singh’s career have talked about how he is from the tiny island of Fiji. How come they didn’t get kicked off the air and forced to make a ridiculous apology even though they knew they did nothing wrong?
(Wen-Chong Liang looks like a Chinaman to me)
You know Clampett felt that his comment was not offensive in the least bit and just apologized because CBS made him do it to keep his job. Clampett’s statement read, “In describing the Asian player Wen-Chong Liang, if I offended anybody, please accept my sincere apology.”
Sincere apology? That’s the least sincere apology I’ve ever heard. If you’re really sorry, you don’t say ‘I’m sorry IF I offended anybody.’ But Clampett never should have had to say he was sorry in the first place because you can’t apologize for doing nothing wrong.
(Bobby Clampett and his fro)
What is the world coming to? Soon political incorrectness will be a capital offense, and the only thing we’ll legally be allowed to call anyone is a “person.” We will have no way at all of distinguishing between different people. If you’re trying to point out someone in a group of people, and you refer to him as the “guy in the red shirt,” he will immediately shout, “Oh, so you hate red shirts, huh?!” And he’ll go to the police, and you will be electrocuted on the spot. No questions asked. Just kill me if it ever gets to this point.
(Zap!)
Hey, I made it all the way through a golf article without mentioning Tiger Woods. DOH!!! Oh well.
Post your politically incorrect comments below, or send an email to
First, before I say anything, I must congratulate you for forcibly taking the United States of America's Most Valuable Person award (also known as "The Presidency"). Microsoft better get on their horse to make sure spellcheck doesn't keep telling me that I'm trying to spell Alabama when I spell your name.
You're the big cheese now. Everyday will be a big day for the Obama Family.
But I have a few suggestions/questions/demands which I think you should listen to, because you are Barack Obama, man of the populace of the U.S. I hope that you will seriously consider what I am about to put forth for your consideration, as this considering may lead to more consideration in the future when considering is needed, all things considered, of course.
1. Change the name of the "White House" to the "Obama's Pimp Hideaway"
I think this would be the best way to start your presidency. You would be putting an end to racial insensitivity in Washington, and showing the world that black and white are indeed opposite colors. This has been in question for a while. It also would seriously raise your cool points with me, and let me tell you, you are in some serious trouble right now.
2. Declare School Unconstitutional, and that everyday is "Fair Day"
Self explanatory. But make sure the teachers get new and more lucrative work, such as being secretaries for Steve Jobs. This also increases cool points exponentially.
3. Give everybody a Masters Degree in something or other
Because school is definitely not worth it.
4. Declare "Negro Awesome Day" on July 3rd
Here's the deal, Barack. Your black. Everybody knows this. So why don't you help your race? Since you are Dictator Of the World, you could raise awareness of how minorities (but mainly the black kind) have helped make the world a more awesome place. Then we could totally have a two-day Festabration honoring black people and America. Cool Points skyrocket.
5. Make your book Blueprint For Change equal to the Bible
Then we all wouldst know what thy talkest about, O mighty one.
6. Change the Name of America to "The United States of Katurday"
COOL POINTS ASPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This concludes my suggestions. I think if you will follow this blueprint for change, you will be the most uber cool president ever, and like, everybody will love you, and young impressionable teenagers who want a president who they feel can emotionally guide the country will worship you, and put bumper stickers with your name on it on their cars that their parents paid for, and massive amounts of otherwise rational people will dump their "old fashioned" ideas for your oh-so-progressive new ones, which sound a bit like socialism to me, maybe not even a bit, kind of a lot, wait, your not a socialist are you, because if you were I'd have to tootally be a socialist too, cus if you're doing it, then I have to, because you're like, the greatest speaker ever or something, even though I'm too young to have ever heard anybody else with a mastery of rhetoric, so I wouldn't know if you we're good or not, and do you like Kanye West, because I do and you're so hip and cool I thought that maybe you'd like totally be into his music and stuff, and I love you, because you are going to be the president of the freaking u.s. ohemgee I can't even believe it I'm so going to tell my kids about you when I have them, or maybe I won't because I wont have any kids because I got abortions, and then my life is a total wreck, but you're still cool and stuff, and do you prefer peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or peanut butter and honey?
There. I said it.
Sincerely, john aka awesomeman
p.s. You're not gay, right?
Send your mindless dribbling idiotic prattle to renegadedufunk@gmail.com
Have you read it? Don't read on if you haven't, or what I say will have no context. And we like context here at SB.
Read it? Good job. You get a sticker.
Now for what I have to say...
Seriously people, this has to be a joke. Has to be. There is no other way that a government of a people who don't want to be in Iraq would build a "Vatican-sized" building in the very capital of that very land. This must be some really elaborate joke, or maybe its a bet between the Joint Chiefs to see how fast they can build a building then get it blown up. I mean who says, "It's been a difficult few weeks, rockets are bouncing off your buildings, and maintaining focus can be an occasional challenge" if your not laughing while you say it?
I am still rubbing my eyes in disbelief as I stare at this article. It seems like this would just drive a spike into the heart of this administration (which I don't give a flying flip about anyway, I'm just saying). It seems that Obama and Clinton should be using this as fuel for their "Get Out O' Town" withdrawal strategies. It even sound like the guys who built it seriously sucked at engineering.
No. Nobody seems to have noticed. This is serious people. If the United States government can pull off this big of joke, what will they try next? Annex Mexico? Give us our money back? Kill Nancy Pelosi?
Nay my friends, we shall not stand for this governmental tomfoolery. We will fight this tyranny with.... MIND BULLETS.
Yes, that's right. You all have them. You just don't know how to use them.
So follow these 5 easy steps to release your inner machine-gun:
STEP 1:
Find a quiet and dark place, like a sewer or a the janitor's closet at school or work, and sit in an awkward position. Like you're a Buddhist or something. Make sure you have sunglasses on to make it even extra dark.
STEP 2:
Breathe.
STEP 3:
Focus on something that you hate. Preferably not something that can be killed dead, because if you follow these steps correctly and focus on another human, they will most definitely die. Focus...Focus...Focus...
STEP 4:
Now chant this:
Ears of lizard Cooked in Swine Ben Gibbard Soaked in Brine Dancing Piggies In a Line Fire Bullets WITH MY MIND!!! STEP 5:
Find whatever it was you focused on and point your head at it. It will, as most assuredly as the sun doth shine, be blown to tiny bits. With practice, you can even make your mind shoot bullets in various patterns and colors.
So there you are. Now that I have enlightened everyone, I say we march on Washington and demand that they stop whatever they're doing and listen to us. Because they can't possibly know what their doing. It's not like we elected them or anything. How silly.
Send questions, comments, mind bullets to: renegadedufunk@gmail.com
